Potty Pitts


Oh potty training…such a milestone.  Everyone is so stoked to get their kids there, and so stressed when they’re not yet. It seems to be the single most exciting thing for a toddler mommy to talk about. It is awesome – BUT…sometimes it’s more shits than giggles.  Here are some of the drawbacks of having a self-propelled pee machine:

1.  All that potty training “gear” you absolutely had to have.  You were planning this moment for a year.  Every other mommy in the world potty trained their kids at 18 months, so you got nervous when your kid turned 2 and had no interest.  So you started buying everything.  Potty Seats; Potty Training Books; Pull-Ups; Wipes; Reward Charts; Stickers.  If you’re anything like me, you bought lots of it.  I ended up with 3 potty seats and two toilet rings.  Lets not even discuss the boxes of pull-ups.  Now I have more books about poop than I ever imagined I’d need or want.  All of that stuff is now taking up too much space in my laundry room.  Little did I know that once my kid sat on the Thomas the Tank Engine ring on the toilet, the rest would be history.  And now I have boxes of Size 7 diapers, baby wipes, and diaper pails everywhere.  Those diaper pails are huge!  You don’t realize how much space they take up until you’re not using them anymore.

2.  Time constraints.  Need to go to the grocery store?  Well, how long ago did the kid pee?  Can I get there and back in less than an hour?  Will he need to pee in the car potty?  (Yes, I have a potty seat in the car.)  Once you get where you’re going, you’re wondering if you have enough time to get everything done.  Is he going to pee his pants?  Are we ready for a public restroom?  Being home isn’t really that much better.  You’re on a timer there, too.  Asking your kid if they have to pee every 45 minutes isn’t very relaxing.  Oh, you wanted to read that Kindle book you downloaded a month ago?  Nope, you have a butt to wipe.  Oh, the incessant butt wiping!

3.  Laundry.  Thought you were doing a lot of laundry when you had a baby?  Guess what…it get’s worse.  Now you’ve got more underpants than you can even imagine.  You just had to buy all those cute cartoon ones, didn’t you?  Seriously, though…how many pairs of underwear can one little boy wear in a day?

4.  The nagging.  Thought you nagged your husband a lot?  Now you find yourself incessantly nagging your child about whether or not to go to the bathroom.  You also find yourself saying the following about 20 times a day:

     *  “No, don’t turn the bathroom lights on and off.”

     * “You only need to flush once.”

     * “Put your pants back on.”

     * “Yes, you have to wear underwear.”

     * “Please don’t pull down your pants in public.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m over-the-moon that my kid is potty-trained…But man, if I’m not stressed out!

I Don’t Mind…

1.  Sorry, Usher.  I have to respectfully disagree.  I’m pretty sure dancing for money on a pole does make you a hoe.

2.  This Thomas the Tank Engine wall poster is still hanging in my living room, more than a week after my son’s 3rd birthday party.  ‘Effing Classy!

3.  I would rather listen to Steve Earle sing Galway Girl than hear anything that Ariana Grande twit squeaks out.  Seriously, who decided she should be a singer?

4.  Sometimes I’m too lazy to remove my nail polish when it chips.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I never remove it.  My nails are in a constant state of half-peeled, “what’s that shit on your nails?”

5.  I print hundreds (if not thousands) of recipes, but always make the same handful of things for dinner.