Professional Facebookers

We all have one or two, or seven on our friend list. And even though their numbers are small comparatively, they tend to post the most prolifically. Of your 236 friends, “Anti-Everything-Ann” posts the most often, filling your feed with so much rubbish that you never saw your childhood best friend post the pics of her new baby. Every time you open Facebook, there she is, posting about how vaccines cause Autism; global warming is a hoax; and the US Government orchestrated 9-11.

Truthfully, had you known “Anti-Everything-Ann” felt the way she did, you might not have added her as a friend. But now you did, and un-friending her is – well – tantamount to telling her that you hate her. So you go on, and scroll and scroll and scroll until you see things you’re actually interested in. And then you see “Anti-Everyting-Ann” has posted something completely contrary to the things she was posting before.

Not unlike hookers, professional Facebookers will also sell themselves to the highest bidder. Ever notice that the most politically charged, morally superior folks tend to pull a John McCain every 4 years or so? They’re the GOP of Facebook. No matter who is in the White House – they hate them; no matter if we are at war or peace – they think we made the wrong decision; they want to carry their sniper rifles into Costco – but suddenly hate the NRA the second there is a mass shooting. You know the type…they believe their kid was disabled by vaccines – the biggest government conspiracy of all time. But you better believe they expect that same government to provide them free health care.

The thing is, you simply cannot enter into a debate with the Professional Facebooker. After all, they spend all of their waking hours researching (read Googling) and posting what they find on Facebook. Clearly they are EXPERTS in their chosen field. Any comment on their post is an invitation to argue. And the fact is – that’s what they want. They want to prove they know everything there is to know about this issue, and you are ignorant to think otherwise. Ever notice that the best Professional Facebookers are actually the least educated and/or experienced people you know? You think you remember “Anti-Everything-Anne” graduating from high school, but then you remember that development during senior year…maybe she got her GED, let’s give her that much. But really, we’re talking about individuals with ZERO education beyond high school debating issues against folks with advanced degrees in their scientific field of study!

All this time I was seeking answers, you had a degree in Facebook!